Hogwarts hosting Big Brother?
by Wheezly
Summary: Hogwarts Hosts Big Brother, a muggle show, 10 people in a house who wont get along. So what is Dumbledores endgame? whats up with snape? but more importantly who will get along and why? NO romance between any character unless reviews demand it.
1. Chosen

**A/N Hey all! hope ya like my story im not a good writer but I think it could go to some really funny places.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

Hogwarts had never had such excitement flow through the great hall before. Unless of course you remember the Yule ball and the Triwizard tournament. The Great Hall was filled from students of all houses. Even the professors can be heard talking between themselves at the news Dumbledore had just presented. Dumbledore cleared his throat in an attempt to yet again have the attention of every person in the hall.

'As I was saying, not only will ten selected participants be living in a house with each other for three months with no contact from the 'outside' world, there will be multiple secrets within the house that 'Big Brother' will choose to divulge to you at any time he sees fit. Big Brother has hand picked ten people who he believes will not get along but will be able to, if they allow it, get along harmoniously. Mind you, that may take a while. These people will be sent a summons tonight. Their bags will pack themselves and each contestant will be put into separate rooms so they have no idea who they will be living with. They will then be able to enter the house where a first task will be assigned. Good luck to those chosen people and keep your eyes peeled for those secrets. The rest of us will be watching through our crystals balls. Oh, and by the way, your wands will not be travelling with you. Big Brother thought it would be best if no magic were allowed in the house. That is all, Goodnight.

Professor Snape was the first to speak up. 'Oh my God! I could be chosen. I must remember to get my pink pair of slippers packed." He said this in merely a whisper to himself but because the students were trying to take in everything that was being said, Snape's words echoed throughout the hall. Everyone situated in the hall cracked up in fits of laughter at the thought of Snape walking around in pink slippers. That's a side of Snape that's definitely never been witnessed. As the Great Hall emptied at a rapid pace Professor Trelawny started breathing funny and struggling not to break out into a sweat. When all the students had left for their dorms Professor Trelawny let out a loud husky gasp.

'No, surely not. They can't live in a house together. Not in this lifetime.' Then she fainted. The staffed stared in her direction in shock. Dumbledore started laughing.

'What an idiot! She should by now that 'The Grim' brand of tealeaves give her hallucinations.' The staff started laughing at the fainted professor. They all stepped over her in an attempt to hurry to the hidden pub Dumbledore had installed earlier that week.

**MEANWHILE, IN GRYFFINDOR TOWER**

'I wouldn't like to be cooped up in a house with people I hardly know.' Hermione was talking to, what seemed like herself, ' I mean look at my studies, NEWTS are coming up soon and-'

'Hermione! Cut it out. Be reasonable. NEWTS aren't for 6 months at least and imagine the broom you could get with the 1000 galleons prize money, or in your case, how many books!' Ron stated flabbergasted at Hermione's, what seemed like, illogical mind.

'Well while you do state a very good point, I still think that-'

Before Hermione was able to finish her sentence Harry cut her off

'Imagine how fun it would be to annoy everyone in there. Especially if it was someone like Pansy Parkinson and they know they can't do much about it because they are stuck there with you! That, would, SUCK!' Harry was laughing so hard he didn't see the three school barn owls sitting in front of the Golden Trio. In unison the three disbelieving student exclaimed 'UH-OH'

In other parts of the castle there were two confused faces staring at the little barns owls in front of them, and one joyous face staring at the owl while holding up multiple hair and face potions.

When each contestant was safely in solitary confinement in their specified rooms, Dumbledore relaxed back in his chair. He took a sip of his fire whiskey and slipped a lemon drop in his mouth. His plan was in place.

'MUAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- ouch.' Dumbledore sat on the floor with his glasses askew. He really should have fixed the leg on his chair earlier.

**Hermione's lock down internet journal entry.**

Oh the good old net how I have missed you! Wait? Why can I access the net? This is confusing, Wizards don't know about the net. OH right! Good old Dumbledore. Makes absolute sense now. Anyway so I'm sitting here in this blank and boring room which is completely red. You would think that seeing as I'm a Gryffindor I see enough red wouldn't you? But no, Miss Granger's cause of death: smothered in red! Go ahead. Make me insane with red!

There was a note on my chair when I walked in. It was a riddle and I can make sense of riddles so I was fairly happy. Until I read it. Now I am anything BUT happy. I'm really not happy. Let me highlight how unhappy I am. Imagine waking up on the couch at three in the morning to Harry singing while cleaning his broom near your face using pages out of your first edition of Hogwarts: A History. Then on the other side of you, you have Ron clipping his toenails and them flying into your hair. How happy would you be?

Not very? I thought as much. That how I felt when I found out who I have to share a bed with. Who, by will would touch :- ok there are noises behind my door. Someone's coming in…cloaked figures. It can't be time to go, not yet. I'm not done typi-

**Draco's note to God or Big Brother I can't really tell.**

I know I haven't always been the best child. I'm sorry for that. But please, I don't wish for this arrangement to occur. Not with him. Anyone but him. He smells funny. Like cat really. I will never ever get Botox injections if you change the arrangements. Save me God. Lets put this in perspective. I would rather fall in love with a muggle born then be stuck following him around day after day. Imagine showering with him! You would also be scarred for life. I'm too young to die. I'll, …I'll sing lullaby's to everyone every night so they sleep easy if I could bunk with someone else. I especially can not be chained with him. I would rather kiss Dobby and marry a ferret. Save me, Please? I will never ever sin again I promise!

Yours faithf- GET YOUR FILTY HANDS OFF MY NEW CLOAK! Since when were ninja's real? They're dragging me awa--------

**I hope you all liked it. Sorry it was so short.**

**Thanks to my beta Krippity for not telling me its rubbish but like me, wasn't feeling funny so didn't know, like me, what else to add. Suggestions are always appreciated! **

**Reviews are also appreciated! Thanks!**


	2. Enter

_Disclaimer: I own nothing!_

_For those of you who are thinking along the same lines as **defend it. **I had no intention of creating a pairing out of this fic. But if anyone wants a specific pairing just ell me and I'll make it happen. First in Best dressed! Any other ideas that you wish to see enter this story then feel free to express your opinion. If not I hope you enjoy the story._

_Sorry about the slow update I've been down with Farrenjitis but more updates are to come!_

_Thanks for the reviews! all three of them : p And once again thanks to Krippity my lovely Beta and best friend who is currently fixing her light globe that she broke and no, she isn't blonde :P_

'Hello my name is Rita Seeker and welcome to the premiere of the Hogwarts Big Brother Show. Tonight you will see the entrants for the big brother series enter the house live and uncut. This house is situated within the Hogwarts room of requirement. There are about the same amount of charms on this room as there are on the Hogwarts castle itself. Needless to say no one is getting in or out of this room until Dumbledore allows it. Let's take a quite look at the floor plan of the said house. As we walk in the double metal doors we meet a backyard. There is a muggle spa and gym area, some weird black thing with a funny grey bottle underneath it. If we go through these glass doors there is a kitchen to your right and this, where I am standing is the lounge room. Beside the kitchen is the Diary Room. The Diary Room is where the contestants talk to big brother about anything at all and ask questions on majority of all subjects. Moving on to the bedroom. There seems to be only five double beds. That could only mean one thing! UNITIY! They all must share a bed. Priceless! Now the bathroom which is at the end of this room. Which include showers that are out in the open which means NO PRIVACY! Toilets are situated to the right between those two doors. Now as you can see there are mirrors all across the walls. Behind these mirrors are what muggles like to call cameras, these capture every moment inside the house and then project it to your crystal balls. Ok so we have been through the technical side of the program. Lets meet the contestants!

Now back on the other side of the room of requirement Rita opened the first door revealing the first contestant.

'It's time to go into the house Miss Granger.' Hermione stepped out of the room and just glared at the news reporter.

'Do you have any strategies for going into the house?' Hermione didn't say a word. Instead she just glared some more.

'I take that as a no. Why don't you walk through that door into the waiting room an waiting for your other contestants to join you.'

'Hmph' was the only reply Rita got as Hermione walked up the corridor and out of sight.

'Well I'm sure she is going to be the absolute life of the party!' Rita exclaimed laughing at her own joke that she thought was funny.

She then proceeded to unlock door number two. His cane in his hand, out staggered the long blonde headed Lucius Malfoy.

'Hello Mr Malfoy. Are you excited about going into the Big Brother house?' Lucius pondered this thought for a moment.

'No not really. I really want my wand with me. It makes me feel superior to everyone else. Without it, I'm a pansy, Like Parkinson. We had a tea party the other day it was quite exciting. I don't want to be a pansy anymore, I want my Mummy!'

'… Well I hope all goes well for you in the house then. Who knows you might been find love at last. Off you trot lass' Lucius stared at Rita for a moment then a smile broke on his normally emotionless face at the prospect of finding love in the house. He then skipped his way to the other side of the door.

Soon enough Ron Weasley was standing in front of Rita Skeeter.

'Hmm, fascinating. I'm sure everyone wants to interview you. So leave. Go straight to the Waiting room. Leave my presence. Ron walked off feeling such a loved man. Not.

MEANWHILE IN THE WAITING ROOM 

'I think we could be friends you know. You are a really nice person. I'm not a nice person. I'm sure if you and I played games together and became friends I could be a nice person. You'll see. I know I haven't always been nice to you. I'm sorry for that. To make it up to you when we get out of this room and into the house I will make you breakfast in bed. The muggle way'

**BACK TO RITA**

'So it goes on. My how Lucius has changed, I can't tell if it's for the better or worse… Hmm alright, onto door number four.' She stepped up and opened the door only to be met by a great big mountain of used tissues and a husky wailing sound.

'Good God Argus are you alright?' Out stepped a depressed looking Filch blowing his nose repeatedly onto and small and used piece of tissue.

'They took her! I can't be away from Miss Norris that long. It's criminal. I'll die!'

'Well I'm sure she'll be fine. Down the corridor you go. Ok now moving onto door 5. We thought it would be interesting to release these two contestants together. Please make welcome, Harry Potter and…Bellatrix Lestrange!' Bellatrix and Harry stepped out of the room they shared together. Bellatrix supporting a split lip and bruises on her neck in the form of hand prints while Harry was courting a black eye.

'Well it would seem you two made quite a lasting impression on each other. As you know there will absolutely be no fighting in the Big Brother house. Now off you go!'

They both nodded at Rita then walked towards the door at the end of the corridor with as much distance as possible between them.

'Ok to speed this process up we will open the next two doors simultaneously. Welcome to Draco and Severus!'

Out of the two doors stepped out a rather shaken Draco and a hideously giddy Snape.

'Oh my god I am so happy to be here! I can not believe it! I want to get into the house as quickly as possible you don't mind if I just leave you now and join my fellow housemates! Love ya's!' Snape blow some kisses and quickly sped off in search of fame.

'Um…I might just follow him…' and Draco solemnly walked off after Severus.

'Well to top things off we have just put in two secrets into the house. They are in the forms of contestants. Fred and George Weasley have been put into the house and are to convince everybody that they are not twins, they just happen to look alike. If they can pull this off for two weeks then they get a special reward. Also Sirius Black is going into the house as a contestant. He is alive but has been in hiding ready for this event. He is to pretend he is dead and traumatise Harry and play jokes on other housemates. If he pulls this off correctly he well be cleared of any charges against him and automatically win Big Brother. Tune in again soon or at anytime in your crystal balls so we can witness the events unfolding within the house. I'm Rita Skeeter. Goodnight.

**IN THE WAITING ROOM**

'I really am a nice person you know'

**This is big brother. Housemates, you may now enter the house.**

**Thanks for reading guys.**

**I hope to update again really soon!**

**Leave any comments or suggestions!**


	3. Goldfish

Disclaimer: **I OWN NOTHING!**

**Hi guys, I'm sad, no reviews. How do you expect me to get the motivation to update? Well this chapter better get some reviews. I need suggestions on what you guys want from the story. At the moment its not going anywhere. I want there to be a storyline that goes outside the house. Whether it be a romance or a friendship. Any suggestions will receive an imaginary HP action figure. Lame I know but what can I say, I only have 3 reviews. Oh well hope you enjoy this chappy!**

**HERMIONE'S POV**

So I walked through the doors of that led into the house. That was all good and well. I was checking out the kitchen and making sure that everything was in fine working order when I noticed Ron, Bella, Severus, Fred, Argus, Draco, Lucius, someone who looks a lot like George Weasley but claims to be named Gillard and Sirius just staring at the barbeque. I know that they are wizards and have never really seen a barbeque before but I mean. Come on! I mean it just cooks – wait a second. SIRIUS! I finally realised Sirius was here. How could I have not realised? I ran like all hell through the house yelling screaming and holding a spatula above my head. I have to admit, this must have looked really weird to the group standing in front of the barbeque.

So anyway I ran all the way over there and then jumped on Sirius, kissed him on the cheek and told him never to die ever again! Now at this point people are no longer staring at the barbeque which is a relief as it wasn't that entertaining to begin with.

'OH MY GOD! SIRUIS, YOUR BACK!' Harry yelled from his position of testing out whether the mud was good enough to use as a mud pack on his face. So Harry, with his now beautiful brown face came running over to us and hugged Sirius. Sirius wasn't looking as happy as he should be considering he is now alive and well.

'I'm actually not alive guys. I'm still dead.' Way to dampen the mood Sirius, 'The ministry put me in this weird form of a body so I had to participate in this little Big Brother thing. After I get evicted or win Big Brother I will go back into being my rotting corpse with maggots eating my flesh.'

At this point Harry and I were almost in tears and everyone else was cringing at the thought of a rotting corpse with maggots. Lucius, in his infinite wisdom thought he would take control of the situation and try and calm the mood. He did the only thing that came naturally to him. Fathering a child. He pulled out an embroided handkerchief and spat on it and walked up to Harry.

'Harry, darling, in future please refrain from playing in the mud as it makes you look quite dirty' As Lucius said this he was attempting to clean the mud off Harry's face with his spat on handkerchief but to no avail, all he did was smear the mud into Harry's skin. Harry on the other hand was squirming like there was no tomorrow. Man did that look uncomfortable for him. The rest of us were trying to hold in our laughter.

I looked around and I saw Severus jumping up and down like the little freak he is. The whole group was here, laughing like we were old friends. It was a nice feeling until I realised something was amiss. Well there was the little fact that Draco was singing 'come on over' by Christina Aguilera, who I thought was a muggle singer, as well as dancing around the backyard. Yep. He is a strange one. But that wasn't the only thing amiss. Fred and Gillard were missing. I didn't like the look of that. I didn't really want to go looking because I was afraid of what I might find. Anyway so at this point BB decided to speak up.

**This is Big Brother, Fred, Gillard please refrain from putting the goldfish in the freezer.**

At this Lucius stopped trying to smother Harry, which I think Harry saw as a godsend and made his way to the kitchen pulling a pink apron out of his pocket on his way and tying it to him. After a couple of minutes a loud tutting sound and talking could be heard.

'Now boys I don't think you should have done that so as punishment I am going to make you guys put those goldfish back in their tank and then you have to stand on the couch, and because of the nice person I am, you may sing all your other housemates a song. We'll make it after dinner as we go to bed thinking beautiful thoughts of your performance. I can't wait, this will be spiffy!'

Now at that precise moment the remaining group outside looked at each other groaned.

'This is going to be a long couple of months. Hey Bella, lets go unpack' So Bella and I left the group and made our way to the bedroom with the others following us. Man if Lucius keeps this up, I might die.

**SNAPES POV**

Well I went to unpack all my accessories because they did not deserved to be cooped up in that horrible leather smell much longer. So I think the sleeping arrangements are going alright. We have 5 double beds so there seems to be a bed missing but Hermione sorted that out when she found and extra bed that was underneath one of the double beds, it's only a single though. Anyway so Fred Weasley's name was on that so he has that bed, lucky Hermione found it or he'd of been on the couch, or the floor, which I feel is more appropriate for animal killers.

Draco seems to not be taking very good to his sleeping arrangement. He seems to keep yelling swear words all the time and freaking out. Something along the lines like, 'I'm not sleeping with a cat lover and boxes of tissues'. Poor Argus it isn't his fault that he is depressed about his cat. One can only hope that he will feel better in due time. So I thought I might go to the Diary Room and talk to Big Brother about this situation.

**_In the diary room_**

**Yes Severus?**

Big brother, I was wondering, because of Argus' homesickness I believe that Draco will not provide the necessary comfort that I could. You see, Draco is yelling through the bedroom which does not seem to be helping Argus' condition.

**Severus, are you trying to tell me you are gay?**

No, not that Big Brother, I would just like to swap bed partners as I believe Argus' needs a friend right now not some snotty nosed brat being a meanie to him.

…

**Alright Severus, you may change Bed Partners. That is all.**

Thank you Big Brother.

_**Back in the bedroom.**_

'PEOPLE! I have a solution to a dilemma that is occurring. Draco, you being such a but-head that you are, are not improving anything to do with Argus so I asked Big Brother to change bed partners so I could console Argus. Draco you are now sharing with Hermione' Draco paled a bit now that I think about it, maybe he didn't want to change partners. Oh well, too late now.

So I'm in bed now with Argus pondering the unravelling of the night's events. We all sat on the couch after Lucius made a nice dinner to watch Gillard and Fred's performance. They sang I will survive while walking over us and trying to give what muggles call lap dances. I'm telling you, I don't want any of them in the future I can tell you that! I will most certainly not go to sleep thinking about it. I have no idea what's gotten into Lucius recently but his views and my views seemed to have changed a lot.

After I made my announcement about bed partners things started to settle down. Hermione didn't mind that I changed bed partners.

'Argus needs you Severus, I will be fine. At least this way I can at least feel slightly comfortable in bed' she said to me earlier. Isn't she so nice to think of her fellow housemate before putting herself first?

I don't think Ron really likes sharing a bed with Lucius. I think Lucius is trying to get Ron to where a jacket to bed so he doesn't catch a cold and seeing how Ron refuses to do that Lucius insists on cuddling him to keep him warm. Let's just say I don't think Ron agrees with that method of keeping warm either.

Harry keeps tossing and turning in his bed. I wonder why. I can hear Bella trying to tell him that his feet are pretty and that she has to make sure they don't get cold during the night. I believe she is trying to cuddle and touch them. I don't think Harry is comfortable with Bella's hairy, unclipped toes near his. Understandable really.

Other then that I don't think anyone is really worrying tonight. Though I do believe that Harry is going to have nightmares about Sirius being able to walk through walls. I don't think he wants to think about the fact his Godfather is about to die again. Maybe he needs my comfort too. Well we'll have to see wont we.

Argus seems to be shaking and moaning 'Mrs Norris' in his sleep. Maybe I should comfort him. Ah that's better, I can feel the box of tissues in me back. What is better then spooning with a friend in need? I can't think of anything.

**You see that button over there. It wants you to review. So why don't you? It could brighten up someone's day **


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